life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
