And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
