hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
