He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
