My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
