Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
