I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
