She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
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I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
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Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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