Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
