if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
