Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
