Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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