His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We have started to decorate penises.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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