hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I just sharted jello shots
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
