My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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