I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am available for nakedness
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
