A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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