he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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