we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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