I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
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I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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