News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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