then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
