Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
