So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
