In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
