we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
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Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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