i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
