My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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