Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
