i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
