Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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