roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
