After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
