my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
