I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
