So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
