My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
