And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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