I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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