you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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