Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
