just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
