Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
