Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
