We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
