she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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