Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
