We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
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Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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