When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
