Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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