Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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