Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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