I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
