proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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