i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
