I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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