2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
smell my finger.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
