You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
