Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
