Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
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