I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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